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Hey, ya’ wanna’ see something really scary…?

Top 10 Scary Movies

10. “The Wizard of Oz.” When Dorothy asked for the Wizard’s help, he told her sure, but first she’d have to bring him the broom of the Wicked Witch.

Scary thought: Not even a wizard will help you until you give him a bribe.

9. “Gone with the Wind.” Atlanta burns, girl loses boy after boy after boy.

Scary thought: Yankees in Atlanta? Is it baseball season again??

8. “ET.” ET phones home, and guys cross interstellar space to pick him up.

Scary thought: You cell phone carrier will track you down even from another galaxy.

7. “Bambi.” Baby deer’s mother is toast in the first 15 minutes. Children everywhere are so traumatized that no baby boomer can remember the end of the movie. Gee, Uncle Walt, why’d ya’ do it?

Scary thought: Even good guys will make you cry your heart out for a fast buck.

6. “Snow White.” Young girl required to cook and clean and sew for seven dwarf diamond miners-no pay, no vacation, no retirement benefits. She is reduced to accepting apple hand-outs from itinerant witches.

Scary thought: Waiting on your prince to come can be hazardous to your health and economic prosperity.

5. “Interview With a Vampire.” Reporter takes on vampire, rats die-it’s a bloody mess.

Scary thought: If Tom Cruise can look like that, what hope is there for the rest of us?

4. “Robin Hood.” Fair maiden gives up wealthy and powerful suitor for pretty but poor boy with violent tendencies.

Scary thought: There’s one in every family.

3. “Cinderella.” Only the beautiful live happily ever after in this tale of an not very bright but beautiful girl who marries a one-dimensional prince.

Scary thought: This kind of thing apparently has been going on in British royalty for generations.

2. “Joan of Arc.” Fierce maiden saves France and is burned at the stake.

Scary thought: No good deed goes unpunished.

1. “Star Trek 5.” A box office disaster, directed by “a captain does not a director make” William Shatner. Mr. Spock sings “Row Your Boat” in opening scenes.

Scary thought: Would your friends make you look goofy on film if they had the chance?

Top 10 Scary Things Around the House

10. Fuzzy mold under the sink appears to be breathing.

9. The gunk in the bathtub drain appears to be breathing.

8. A guy with four tattoos and three body piercings arrives at the door and asks for your teen-age daughter…and her father, the love of your life, appears: *not* to be breathing.

7. A dead roach in your shoe.

6. A dying roach in the pantry.

5. A very much alive roach anywhere.

4. A child tugs on your sleeve and meekly asks if you know where the fire extinguisher is.

3. Your teen-age son returns the car keys with the question, “You have insurance, right?”

2. Fire ants in the AC vents.

1. Computer screen reads: Unrecoverable Application Error. Data Corrupted.

Lost clusters. (Impending computer meltdown. Run for your life. In other words: tilt. you lose.)

Top 10 Scary Things About Halloween

10. What if that kid who took your daughter to a party doesn’t consider the biker outfit a costume?

9. The talking Snickers: “Eat me. I’m chocolate.”

8. What if the candle in your Jack o’ Lantern blows over and hits the porch?

7. What if the fluorescent pink hair spray doesn’t wash out (as promised) with one shampoo?

6. If you can’t identify their superhero costumes (Power Rangers, maybe?) will neighborhood kids still respect you in the morning?

5. If no one comes to trick or treat at your house, will you have to eat five pounds of Baby Ruths by yourself?

4. Now that you’ve spent several hundred dollars at least, will your kid’s dental work fall victim to a penny’s worth of gooey something? Stay tuned.

3. Did you buy enough Pepto?

2. You glance at yourself in a mirror wearing full witch’s green-face make-up and realize: Hey, I look 10 years younger!

1. If a trick-or-treater falls off the porch: “You have insurance, right?”